Stuck between chapters

March 27, 2014



Women Who Run With the Wolves - Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D

"An icy attitude will put out a woman's creative fire. It will inhibit the creative function. This is a serious problem, yet the story gives us an idea. The ice must be broken and the soul taken out of the freeze.
When writers, for example, feel dry, dry, dry, they know that they way to become moist is to write. But if they're locked in ice, they won't write. There are painters who are gasping to paint, but they're telling themselves, "Get out of here. Your work is weirdly strange and ugly." There are many artists who've not yet gotten a good foothold or who are old war-horses at developing their creative lives, and yet and still, every time they reach for the pen, the brush, the ribbons, the script, they hear, "You're nothing but trouble, your work is marginal or completely unacceptable -- because you yourself are marginal and unacceptable."



So what is the solution? Do as the duckling does. Go ahead, struggle through it. Pick up the pen already and put it to the page and stop whining. Write. Pick up the brush and be mean to yourself for a change, paint. Dancers, put on the loose chemise, tie the ribbons in your hair, at your waist, or on your ankles and tell the body to take it from there. Dance. Actress, playwright, poet, musician, or any other. Generally, just stop talking. Don't say one more word unless you're a signer. Shut yourself in a room with a ceiling or in a clearing under the sky. Do your art. 

Generally, a thing cannot freeze if it is moving. So move. Keep moving."




                 There's this opportunity to do something different and wonderful and brand new sitting on my doorstep. I have no clue what to do with it just yet. See, for months now I felt inadequate, confined and limited. Completely unenthused, withdrawn and drained. A part of me packed up and walked out the door. Yet everyday my creative spirit begged and grovelled to return. I shut down without wanting to shut down. Going about my day sleeping, waking, eating, commuting, talking, typing, working, and dying. A routine that smothered a fire I worked hard to light. But what did I expect? That's what happens when you stop watching and adding fuel to the embers. The fire extinguishes. It took the end of a day to understand just how frozen I've become.  There's now a yearning bubbling and touching the tips of my fingers and I would be lying if I said I wasn't feeling scared. Not even a whiff of a plan is in the air but at least I finally understand. I need to be mean to myself if I want to survive. A different kind of mean but mean nonetheless.

\
Badley


7 comments:

  1. I think it is perfectly acceptable to be scared. I think scared is exciting. It pushes us to discover. It pushes us to thrive. Here is a story, when I first started driving I would look at the ramps on the freeway that go over one another and are rather curved. I was so scared of falling off of one. I always wondered how people managed them. One day, I decided to just get on one (because I figured that thrill would make me feel good *confessed adrenaline junkie speaking*). I discovered then that it is the instinct of survival that makes us turn the steering wheel and not fall. Simple, I know. But it didn’t seem so before I did it. In other words, fear is good but we shouldn't let it stop us from anything because we might just be surprised with what we find. We can learn, we can discover, we can grow. Plus, we will always have something to look back to and say that is where the difference was made. Oh, and fear, yeah about that. It was nothing; it was all in my head.
    If we fail though, well at least we tried, which is definitely a better option than wondering. Truth might hurt, but doubt kills.

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    1. Thank you so much for this incredible comment. You are thoroughly the best and these words meant a lot to me. XX

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  2. I had a conversation with someone just last night about the two extremes of artist, or at least writers. We become so open, reaching deeper and deeper within to pull substance out and that fire to create literally sustains us. So the creation itself is extremely scary, because your soul is on the line. It's all good. We can only grow by facing those fears and deciding that our sanity is worth a shot.

    So happy you're back. This does mean you're back right??

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    1. Exactly! I'm pretty certain that type of extreme happens to every kind of artist. It's scary but exhilarating, that's why we continue to create and share. Thank you for your insightful comment. And to answer your question, I think so... haha

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  3. I don't have the cleverness to write such beautiful words as the girls above me but I would like to say that I'm so glad to read something new from you. And go for it girl, based on your writing, I know you have the creativity to achieve whatever is next for you. :)

    Aneirys Book♥

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    1. Your words were just as meaningful, so thank you. xx

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  4. Fear of change is perfectly normal. The first and best step to take is in the direction of change because comfort bring stagnation, change brings growth.
    I completely relate to the feeling of needing to scare yourself into taking that first step and its healthy, but another suggestion would be to surround yourself with a strong network of people that can do that with you.

    All the best on your new venture, nonetheless

    BLEURGH - www.say-bleurgh.blogspot.com

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