I disappeared for a year and there's a number of reasons for that. There's also a reason for why I'm returning.
I've lost myself and once upon a time, this is where I'd find her. Therefore, I'm going to write until there's nothing left to say. I'm going to write until I feel naked and exposed.
I don't care who reads this and I don't care if it's any good. I'm going to be honest and I'm going to move forward. I'm going to figure out who I am and I'm going to finally be okay with that.
I can't exactly answer why I started blogging. To write? To take photos? To feel less alone? I'm not entirely sure but the last thing I expected was for anyone to follow along.
I blissfully and ignorantly managed QQueen of Hearts expecting nothing and everything. However, the more I wrote the more people started to take notice.
Sponsors contacted me, other blogs wanted an interview, Seventeen Magazine sent me an email, I was invited to Jean Paul Gaultier's showroom and asked to audition for MTV.
QQueen of Hearts ventured into a direction I never believed it would.
During this time I moved to Toronto, began a relationship and made new friends. It was then people in my past and present discovered that I was writing in this little nook of the internet.
Naturally, I panicked.
It's one thing to have strangers from around the world reading what I have to say but it's an entirely different thing to have people from real life doing the same.
That's when I stopped writing for me. Every post was fake; just a string of words talking about something I had no interest in. Maybe I stopped caring or maybe I just didn't have the guts to be an open book anymore.
Whatever the case, I disappeared for a year.
Yet, there's been a void growing inside of me ever since I stopped writing. I'm losing a grip on the person I want to be. She is not insecure. She is not jealous. She is not hateful or vindictive. She is smart, she is ambitious, she is worthy of it all.
She's just lost at the moment.
So here I am. Not returning as QQueen of Hearts but as Zoe Badley.
I'll no longer be taking sponsorships, running ads, or hosting contests.
Instead, I'll be writing whatever the hell I feel like writing whenever the hell I feel like writing it.